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sendjoke.GIF (4935 bytes)Financial Jokes and Anecdotes

Money and Business Jokes

A priest announced to his congregation: "I have good news and bad news. The good news is, we have enough money to pay for our new building program. The bad news is, it's still out there in your pockets."


Never talk about money with people who have much more or much less than you.


Money is always there, but the pockets change.


John Paul Getty:If you owe the bank $100, that's your problem. If you owe the bank $100 million, that's the bank's problem.


Einstein dies and goes to heaven only to be informed that his room is not yet ready. "I hope you will not mind waiting in a dormitory. We are very sorry, but it's the best we can do and you will have to share the room with others" he is told by the doorman.
Einstein says that this is no problem at all and that there is no need to make such a great fuss. So the doorman leads him to the dorm. They enter and Albert is introduced to all of the present inhabitants. "See, Here is your first room mate. He has an IQ of 180!"
"Why that's wonderful!" Says Albert. "We can discuss mathematics!"
"And here is your second room mate. His IQ is 150!"
"Why that's wonderful!" Says Albert. "We can discuss physics!"
"And here is your third room mate. His IQ is 100!"
"That Wonderful! We can discuss the latest plays at the theater!"
Just then another man moves out to capture Albert's hand and shake it. "I'm your last room mate and I'm sorry, but my IQ is only 80."
Albert smiles back at him and says, "So, where do you think interest rates are headed?"


How much money do you need?
What's considered enough money? Just a little bit more.
Will Rogers

If you can count your money, you don't have a billion dollars.
J. Paul Getty

A billion here, a billion there, and pretty soon you're talking about real money.
Everett Dirksen

Anecdotes by Oleg Palamarchuk about Oleg Palamarchuk

The writer-polyglot Oleg Palamarchuk accompanied one German businessman in his trip to Russia. And at the end of this trip the translator asked the German:
“Do you understand that your company risks much by investing money in the Russian economy? What if Russia will fall in default again and split into parts?
The old Bavarian smiled:
“If Russia split into parts, it will mean that we, Germans or Americans, haven’t invested money here in vain.”

The teacher-polyglot Oleg Palamarchuk conducted a lesson in German. The topic was economics and bank business.
“What do you think I must do to become a successful banker?” asked a student.
“I can’t say what you should do, but I can tell what you shouldn’t do. Follow the three rules: first, don’t lend money those who don’t have any; second, don’t lend money those who need it badly; third, don’t lend your own money.”

During a lecture the students asked their teacher-polyglot Oleg Palamarchuk:
“Why don’t American and European businessmen invest money in the Ukrainian economy?”
“They don’t understand our realities. In the USA a businessman should compete for his place under the sun. But in Ukraine, if a businessman wants to earn money, he should find a place in the shadow and doesn’t shine,” explained the teacher.

The Ukrainian youth enjoys computers like other young people in the world.
“It was a wise man who created the computer?” expressed his excitement a boy who attended the English course conducted by the teacher-polyglot Oleg Palamarchuk.
“You are wrong,” said the teacher-polyglot. “In this world only Got creates; Satan makes up; the Europeans and migrants from Europe into the North America invent; the Russians find; the Chinese compile; and the Jews make a profit on their activity.

One day the teacher-polyglot Oleg Palamarchuk met his former school-mate and they had a talk. And the first question was about jobs.
“I am a general director of my own company,” praised the school-mate.
“Recently you told me that you were just a director,” remarked Oleg Palamarchuk.
“It was earlier, then I was alone, but now I hired a guy, and there are two persons in the company: he is a director, but I am a general director.”

Once a school-girl asked her teacher-polyglot Oleg Palamarchuk:
“Why don’t you do business? You know so much! What can you earn by teaching in the country where not so many people want to study?
“To do business in my country”, explained Oleg Palamarchuk, “one should be slippery, otherwise one will be caught; one should be hard, otherwise one will be cracked; one should be flexible, otherwise one will be broken. And the main rule of our business: the less you know, the longer you will live. But I know too much to survive in our business.”

The writer-polyglot Oleg Palamarchuk was visited by his school-mate, who lived in Russia and was a new Russian.
“I live as if I founded myself in the paradise. I have whatever I desire!” boasted the mate. But his long monologue was finished with words:
“Nevertheless, I don’t wish you such a life!”
“Why?” asked the writer.
“To penetrate into the Russian business is to enter the paradise: it is difficult to come in, but it is impossible to go out!” explained the new Russian.

One day a friend of the writer-polyglot Oleg Palamarchuk called him up:
“I want to share my joy with you. I have just von 1000 dollars at a lottery.”
“OK, give me half the sum and I will share your joy.”

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